Long Days and Long Nights

Last night I made my way to bed around 11:15 which is pretty usual for me on a Sunday night. I tend to stay up longer than I should, enjoying my last few hours/ minutes of the weekend.

At 4am I woke up with killer back pain. It felt like I had a rock under my sheet digging into my back and I was laying right on it. My back just hurt sooooo bad. I moved all around and finally found a comfortable position and it went away. However...

Baby didn't care for the way I was laying then. It seriously would NOT stop moving! It wasn't until 5:30 that I finally fell back to sleep. And I had to be up at 6:15 for work. Grrr. Luckily for me, Livie was totally cool with the idea of a lazy morning today. She cuddled up to me and we watched the shows on the Disney channel and I fell back to sleep from about 8:30 until 10. When I woke up she said "good morning!" and still kinda laid on me. Then the baby kicked and she felt it. She is the first person to feel it from the outside! She was like "What was that Katie!?!" And I said the baby kicked. She said "Oh, whoops!" and that was that. She's a goofball. I've mentioned my baby to her off and on, but I guess she just wasn't expecting to feel it move in my belly. But she's used to feeling Mommy's baby move. So I think she just wasn't expecting it.

Mom and Dad were TOTALLY sweet to me over the weekend. They got my 3 new maternity shirts and a pair of capris. Then i went on Sunday to find a pair of jeans at Target and Mom was with me and she told me to let her get those too! THEN at my Sunday job, a mom came in with all sorts of baby items for me to have and some of it was clothes. So I got 2 more shirts and 2 more pairs of jeans. I think I may get a couple more spaghetti straps/ tanks tops, and maybe 1-2 more pairs of shorts, and I will be all set for the summer, other than a bathing suit and a dress to wear at my brother's wedding.

I only have another hour and 10 minutes left of work today. Will is going to work on my car when I get home, and we will still do our weekly Monday night ritual of going to get wings with friends and coming home to watch our Monday night show lineup (CBS). I will keep sorting/ going through my stuff. It figures that I tell Will I'm moving stuff back to my place and he's back in his way up, fun, excited about life in general days. Far cry from the wanting to leave and hoping he dies days. Last night after work I went to Mom's, then went home and we got Applebee's carside to go, and came home and watched Parenthood until bed. But my sister bought a bunch of baby girl clothes for us, and he kept talking about how our son would be so confused about us putting dresses on him. And she bought some overalls with a heart on the front pocket, and I said that if it's a boy he can still wear those and we can just put a jacket on over it. He said he was actually thinking the same thing. When we were at Applebee's he parked funny and took up 2 spaces, and I was pretending to be a cop writing out his ticket and he told me "oh, but she's pregnant." That was the first time he has acknowledged/ said that since I was like 8 or 9 weeks along (I'm 19 weeks now)!! We used to have a runing gag that we could use my pregnancy as an excuse to get out of everything. But then he said he wasn't acknowledging it and it was a tumor not a baby, and all that other crap that I don't want to go into. I was so totally confused. Then we go to bed, he texts me when he gets up, and he does not have ONE negative thing to say about the way I slept, the noise I made, the alarm going off, nothing. It's really nice.

Don't get me wrong. I am still planning on getting my crap out of there. Most, if not all of it. ASAP. But with my legs hurting when I walk and feeling so sore all the time, him being in a good mood kind of helps because those are slowing me down. And if these are some of our last days/ times together, I'd rather they be good and happy. I just don't get his mood swings. I so wish he could be like this all the time. Then we'd ahve nothing to fight or worry about, and we'd have no reason to be unhappy and wanna break up. The sudden change is just another reminder to me of exactly why I do need to get out of there. He's unstable and unpredictable and it's not healthy. We're both miserable and both say we feel stuck with each other. I did take advantage of the good mood last night. We cuddled, I kissed him over and over again, and he kissed me back. Usually he doesn't. Nothing more than that. I just miss him showing me affection. So it was nice.

But I know Will and I know in another day or two, he will be back to his normal self. Back to the bitching, being angry all the time, and calling our child a tumor. On his bad days he only says he loves me when he leaves for work, and he gives me that quick one arm hug and a half kiss as he goes out the door. That's the only kind of touching we do anymore. So like I said, it was nice to have him cuddling me and kissing me last night... but it's just not enough. If there was some kind of magic pill for him to take that would make him stay like that all the time I'd thank God. We could be the family that we had always talked about being. But, such pills don't exist for him and I'm left with a Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde boyfriend, while growing our infant inside of me. I need to be with positive, healthy, supportive people, who are that way all that time. Not 10% of the time. That's just not cutting it.

I hate it. I hate that we couldn't work, and our child won't ever know 1 home with 2 parents. I hate this feeling right now... I hate holding on to letting go.

I used to call him my breath of fresh air. Now, he's just the guy who takes up the space next to me on the couch. Never touching, never talking... it's just sad every way I look at it.