Wednesday, June 16, 2010

New Favorite Quote

It depicts almost exactly how I feel to a T.

"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you. Kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it... Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

-Faye, "That Thing You Do"

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Pharaoh Ramesses

So my 50 pound, 2 year old puppy still believes he is a lap dog. And I am totally okay with that. There's no explaining the love I have for this guy. And I'll let him be my lapdog forever... he has this awesome power of relaxing me and making me feel all better when I'm down. He makes me laugh and perks me up and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Just so everyone knows, he was NOT crushing the baby in this picture. He really isn't that MONSTROUSLY BIG either. It's just that Mom took the pic sitting in the couch cushion next to me, and with her being so close to me it made him appear lots bigger than he is. And like I said, I knew he wasn't hurting anything. Just so you know.

Anyway, my puppy love is almost 2 years old. I can't believe I've had him for 2 years now! I feel so guilty sometimes because I've made bad decisions that have affected him. But he takes it all in stride, just like his mama. It was never my intent to live without him for 6 months when I was dating Jessie. It was never my intent to live without him for 3 months thus far while I'm dating Will. He had initially welcomed Pharaoh with open arms, and then all at once decided he didn't like having him there so I could stay but he could not. This was after I had TOLD Will, I gave him up for one loser already, I'm not doing that again. And here I sit, in that same boat, doing it to him again. It breaks my heart. But the one thing that keeps me okay, is knowing he doesn't hold it against me. He still loves me and always will. He is happy at Mom and Dad's house. He will be just as happy back at my apartment when I get him back and it's just the two of us.

I miss him terribly today. I can't wait for Mom to get off work so I can go over and see him again. He was all about the cuddles last night once he got super sleepy. And I didn't fight it for sure! I love that there's at least ONE man in my life that I can count on for cuddles, and that's him <3. And yeah, I do see Pharaoh as a man... he's more of a man than any of the guys I've ever dated in the past. He has no problem telling it like it is. I know when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's hurt, and when he's pissed. There's no games, no beating around the bush, he lets me know. Guys in the past, not even close.

Anyway, I just felt like bragging about my awesome puppy a bit today. I have more work and most likely another long day ahead of me. I'm already tired just thinking about it. But I will take a breather and relax with him when I'm at Mom's. That will be nice for sure! But for now I'm just thinking about him, missing him, and wanting his cuddles so incredibly bad that I can't even concentrate on the task at hand. So I WILL be getting those later.

Later all.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Ryder Andrew Lane Crismore... it means "Manly Knight From the Lane"... a bit odd maybe, but I love it (when finding name meanings you don't have to put them in exact order, rather you put them in order so they make sense. Ryder means knight, Andrew means manly, and Lane is from the lane). Crismore, if I remember correctly, means "Builder for Christ"... so it's like saying he's a manly knight that works for Christ :) He just happens to be from the lane!

I am so absolutely in love with him and cannot wait until he's here. I know everything will be so worth it in the end when I am holding him in my arms. All the problems I have now, all the pain and hurt that is being inflicted on me... he will make it all okay. No, it's not his "job" to do that, as Dr. Phil would be worried about. But I know when I look down and see my son, I won't regret anything. He will make everything wonderful, and the world be wonderful with him in it.

It dawned on me the other day, that it was June 8th and I had 4 months until my due date. That doesn't seem like very long at all. I am anxious to reach my milestone next week of 24 weeks. That is the age of viability and as long as Ryder is born after that, he has a chance. I don't want him making his grand entrance into this world until October when it's time. But if he had to come early, I wouldn't have to worry about him not making it, and that is such a relief to me.

I love my baby boy. Every kick. Every flutter of movement. Ever jab he takes at my bladder that makes me laugh even though it's really not funny...

I am glad I got to "see" him at the ultrasound. I'm glad to know this little guy is healthy, though I don't think I'll be convinced until I hear it from my doctor himself. The ultrasound tech was a bit flaky if you ask me, and I didn't like the way she did things. But I know they can get in trouble for saying too much and they really aren't supposed to say anything... so I get why she was so quiet and focused on everything. But, I was glad she went back and kept checking for the gender cause she knew I wanted to know. This guy was not being super cooperative but he did let us know eventually that's he's a he!

Today's been incredibly rough on me but I don't feel like getting into that a whole lot really. Oddly enough, the one time people expect me to talk and tell all, I don't really feel like talking. I don't wanna talk about it, and I don't plan on doing anything I don't wanna do. I just wanna deal with things and move on from there. Things will work out, they will be okay, they always are. Talking just isn't something I'm interested in right now.

I think I'm off to bed now. I feel like I could sleep for a whole week I'm so exhausted. So it's time for me to go get started on that :)

Have a good one everyone, later.

PS, in the California judicial election this past Tuesday, JAMES HOSKING WON. Best news EVER. Bye bye Lemkau!!! Hopefully nobody ever has to see or hear from you ever again.