*Update*

It's been forever since I've updated, and I keep getting reminded of that ;) Sooooo I figured I'd post something really quick this morning.

I'm still alive. Doing okay... overall. I still have my days, but it's not like it used to be when Will and I first broke up. Sometimes in break ups I wind up missing other exes too, not just the most recent ex, and I've had a little bit of that going on too. People I hadn't thought about for years are suddenly on my mind and I'm wondering what they're up to these days. Of course I'd never get back together when any of them. But I do still think about them.

My biggest problem lately has been money. But then again who's biggest issue in life ISN'T money? I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to remember to keep breathing and pressing on.

I am 8 months pregnant today. Won't do anything big or fun to celebrate, but I'm getting closer. The closer I get the more scared I get about things. But I know I'll be a good mom and everything will be okay. There's just so much stuff I'm in for and I know I can't expect it all. It's going to be a lot of learning on my part and teaching on the parts of my mom and aunts.

I still haven't talked to Will about the baby's name and that's been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. We need to have that talk. But, then again, it's not my fault that he never wants to meet up and talk. Maybe now that he's on his good days it'll be different. But the past few weeks were his bad days, and I don't know that I've ever seen him that bad. It's upsetting but frustrating at the same time. It's like for God's sake just go get on something so you'll be happy!!! But... there's no way I can name him William 4th, which I had promised to him. I really really hope he understands where I am coming from with this. But I never know what to expect with him because he's always been so unpredictable. But like I said, he's coming out of his bad days finally so now would be the best time to bring it up because at least now I have the chance of getting a decent reaction out of him. Otherwise I'd just text him about it lol.

Everything is basically the same old same old. I am going to the doctor's every 2 weeks now instead of every 4. I am having issues with being able to get comfortable, and my back is literally always hurting me. I try not to be a complainer though. Yesterday I couldn't really breathe very well but so far so good for today. My whole back hurts today, but I think it's cause I slept on it wrong. I woke up not because I was done sleeping, but rather because I was starving. So I'm going to get off here and eat some cereal and get a shower and everything.

I really don't know what else to write about. So that is my update for now :) I'll try and post more frequently, though me being me, I can't really promise anything. So I'll just stick to promising to try!!!

Nobody Knows It But Me

I was gonna come on here and write about how I've been feeling lately. But then I was driving in my car the other day and this song came on... a song I know very well but hadn't thought about in a long time (I haven't heard it in ages). Since it basically says exactly how I feel, I'll let the song do the talking.



Here are the lyrics in case you'd like to be able to follow along... I put the text in bold that really seems to fit my mood lately.



Nobody Knows It But Me

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
but these four walls close in more every day
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real, even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and
I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

(hmm...no one knows)

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
Just like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say
Just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and
I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

(nobody)

Nights are lonely, the days are so sad
(No one knows)
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
(Nobody knows)
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me

Wow!!

So it's officially less than 3 months until my due date... it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. My boy doesn't have a crib or toys. He doesn't have much that is "his". But I know the baby shower might change that. I really, really hope so anyway!

My sister got on ebay last night and made 2 bids and won them both! So she spent $15 plus shipping, and now the baby has over 50 new clothing items. That will be more than enough to get us through the first 3 months or so. I'm getting really excited but at the same time I'm still terribly nervous too. I don't know what the hell I'm doing... or what to expect... I don't want to do anything wrong... but I will learn I am sure.

My puppy boy turned 2. In just a few weeks we will be celebrating his adoption birthday :)

I am still actively looking for a new job and turning in applications all the time. I have discovered that even if I can only find a minimum wage job, if it is full time, I can pay rent and all my bills. So I'm at a point now where I will literally take ANYTHING. I need to apply at Wal Mart... that would benefit me because I'd get all my bills paid and then get a discount on my groceries and stuff I buy in the store. But there's a place I applied at called Easter Seals and I REALLY want to get in there. But they told me not to call about the job when I turned in my application. Hopefully, I will hear something SOON. I think I can work out daycare and all that if I have to, cause there's assistance programs, and my family will take care of him too. So I do think I can handle this. I just want to make sure my hours are EARLY so I still feel like I have all day and night with my son. Like 6-2 or 7-3 M-F would be cool :) But we'll see.

I go to the doctor's office tomorrow to check for gestational diabetes. Will said he'd let me know today whether or not he can come. They do that test on everyone now, they're not doing it because they think I might have it or anything. Just have to fast and then drink some yucky stuff (I've been told it tastes like VERY sweet pop) and that should be that. Don't think it'll take long but I never know.

Anyway, it's Sunday, so I work at the church nursery today. Need to leave in about a half an hour so I'm gonna sign off of here and get my hair done. Later!

New Favorite Quote

It depicts almost exactly how I feel to a T.

"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you. Kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it... Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

-Faye, "That Thing You Do"

Pharaoh Ramesses

So my 50 pound, 2 year old puppy still believes he is a lap dog. And I am totally okay with that. There's no explaining the love I have for this guy. And I'll let him be my lapdog forever... he has this awesome power of relaxing me and making me feel all better when I'm down. He makes me laugh and perks me up and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Just so everyone knows, he was NOT crushing the baby in this picture. He really isn't that MONSTROUSLY BIG either. It's just that Mom took the pic sitting in the couch cushion next to me, and with her being so close to me it made him appear lots bigger than he is. And like I said, I knew he wasn't hurting anything. Just so you know.

Anyway, my puppy love is almost 2 years old. I can't believe I've had him for 2 years now! I feel so guilty sometimes because I've made bad decisions that have affected him. But he takes it all in stride, just like his mama. It was never my intent to live without him for 6 months when I was dating Jessie. It was never my intent to live without him for 3 months thus far while I'm dating Will. He had initially welcomed Pharaoh with open arms, and then all at once decided he didn't like having him there so I could stay but he could not. This was after I had TOLD Will, I gave him up for one loser already, I'm not doing that again. And here I sit, in that same boat, doing it to him again. It breaks my heart. But the one thing that keeps me okay, is knowing he doesn't hold it against me. He still loves me and always will. He is happy at Mom and Dad's house. He will be just as happy back at my apartment when I get him back and it's just the two of us.

I miss him terribly today. I can't wait for Mom to get off work so I can go over and see him again. He was all about the cuddles last night once he got super sleepy. And I didn't fight it for sure! I love that there's at least ONE man in my life that I can count on for cuddles, and that's him <3. And yeah, I do see Pharaoh as a man... he's more of a man than any of the guys I've ever dated in the past. He has no problem telling it like it is. I know when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's hurt, and when he's pissed. There's no games, no beating around the bush, he lets me know. Guys in the past, not even close.

Anyway, I just felt like bragging about my awesome puppy a bit today. I have more work and most likely another long day ahead of me. I'm already tired just thinking about it. But I will take a breather and relax with him when I'm at Mom's. That will be nice for sure! But for now I'm just thinking about him, missing him, and wanting his cuddles so incredibly bad that I can't even concentrate on the task at hand. So I WILL be getting those later.

Later all.

Ryder

Ryder Andrew Lane Crismore... it means "Manly Knight From the Lane"... a bit odd maybe, but I love it (when finding name meanings you don't have to put them in exact order, rather you put them in order so they make sense. Ryder means knight, Andrew means manly, and Lane is from the lane). Crismore, if I remember correctly, means "Builder for Christ"... so it's like saying he's a manly knight that works for Christ :) He just happens to be from the lane!

I am so absolutely in love with him and cannot wait until he's here. I know everything will be so worth it in the end when I am holding him in my arms. All the problems I have now, all the pain and hurt that is being inflicted on me... he will make it all okay. No, it's not his "job" to do that, as Dr. Phil would be worried about. But I know when I look down and see my son, I won't regret anything. He will make everything wonderful, and the world be wonderful with him in it.

It dawned on me the other day, that it was June 8th and I had 4 months until my due date. That doesn't seem like very long at all. I am anxious to reach my milestone next week of 24 weeks. That is the age of viability and as long as Ryder is born after that, he has a chance. I don't want him making his grand entrance into this world until October when it's time. But if he had to come early, I wouldn't have to worry about him not making it, and that is such a relief to me.

I love my baby boy. Every kick. Every flutter of movement. Ever jab he takes at my bladder that makes me laugh even though it's really not funny...

I am glad I got to "see" him at the ultrasound. I'm glad to know this little guy is healthy, though I don't think I'll be convinced until I hear it from my doctor himself. The ultrasound tech was a bit flaky if you ask me, and I didn't like the way she did things. But I know they can get in trouble for saying too much and they really aren't supposed to say anything... so I get why she was so quiet and focused on everything. But, I was glad she went back and kept checking for the gender cause she knew I wanted to know. This guy was not being super cooperative but he did let us know eventually that's he's a he!

Today's been incredibly rough on me but I don't feel like getting into that a whole lot really. Oddly enough, the one time people expect me to talk and tell all, I don't really feel like talking. I don't wanna talk about it, and I don't plan on doing anything I don't wanna do. I just wanna deal with things and move on from there. Things will work out, they will be okay, they always are. Talking just isn't something I'm interested in right now.

I think I'm off to bed now. I feel like I could sleep for a whole week I'm so exhausted. So it's time for me to go get started on that :)

Have a good one everyone, later.
Katie

PS, in the California judicial election this past Tuesday, JAMES HOSKING WON. Best news EVER. Bye bye Lemkau!!! Hopefully nobody ever has to see or hear from you ever again.

SHUT UP

Sorry, this is another rant.

Shut the f*** up Lemkau. Seriously.

http://cbs2.com/video/?id=135644%40kcbs.dayport.com

"Do you feel guilty?"
"No."

OMG!!! How can he say in one breath he loses sleep over this case, then in the next he says that he doesn't feel guilty! She HAD the evidence! It was his JOB to go over the evidence and he failed to do that!

I don't feel sorry for his ass even a little bit. I hope to God he gets voted out. He deserves that.

Hosking, the guy running against Lemkau, was arrested YEARS ago for a very minor offense... and Lemkau pounces on that. He asks if that's the judge the people of California want. Let's see. Someone who did something years ago, or someone who doesn't look over evidence, and lets parents kill their children. EASY CALL IN MY BOOK.

He hasn't f***ing learned a damn thing from this case! In a recent case that went before Lemkau, a woman was petitioning to get visition taken away from her ex husband who was threatening her and the kids. She heard a knock at the door and opened it to find the family dog shot to death at her feet. The phone rings, and on the other end is her ex husband saying the same people that got the dog will come back for her and the kids. So she takes the kids and has to hide in a shelter. Obviously he SAW her answer the door and KNEW when to call her. So he would've been in violation of his restraining order saying he can't go within 100ft or yds (can't remember which) of her house.

She takes him to court seeking supervised or no visitation for the time being. Who do they see? Judge Robert Lemkau. What does he say?

Supervised visits for the younger two kids. But, because the oldest, a 6 year old, had not shown any fear towards her father, he was keeping full unsupervised visitation for her. The attorney says "your honor this is just going to be another Baby Wyatt case..." and with that everyone was called into his chambers. Moments later they come out, and it's no visitation for all 3 kids, and he went ahead and said instead of 100ft the restraining order was now 500ft.

BUT HE WAS GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!!!!

Thank GOD that attorney had the balls to speak up! What I wouldn't have given to have been a fly on the wall in the room when they went in to discuss it. I am sure the attorney was scolded *rolls eyes*.

What a waste of a judge.

What an asshole to keep making HORRIBLE calls. He clearly doesn't have what it takes to hack it. Considering he couldn't handle criminal law... and they didn't know what to do with him, so they put him in FAMILY LAW. What the hell kinda person would make that call??? They should also lose their job as well!

And, just to point out, the news people didn't have it quite right. They refer to Stephen as Katie's husband when they were never married. Also, Stephen said in his emails he'd poison Wyatt. In reality he shot him and then himself. But those were minor flaws in the story, just wanted to keep it accurate for all who watch it.

I can't stand the lies this man tells. And to deny it when people accuse him of lying. His campaign states he is the fair and ethical choice. What is fair or ethical about what he did? Honest to God if I hear him say or see him or his daughter write ONE MORE THING about Minor's Counsel I will go off. Not that this isn't going off. But IF HE HAD GONE OVER THE EVIDENCE MINOR'S COUNSEL WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN NEEDED!!!!

His daughter told me it was Katie's job to authenticate the emails and prove to the courts that they came from Stephen. Sorry, but I didn't know all these investigators out there were wasting their time and people were wasting money on hiring them to look over evidence in criminal cases. Honest to God that was the dumbest thing I have ever read. She goes on and on about how she posts all comments, good and bad... well I told Katie herself about the comments that Heather made to me and Katie flipped. She posted to her never to speak or type her or her son's names ever again. And Heather deleted that comment! Also, I posted another negative one pertaining to the evidence and why he didn't look at it, and it has yet to be approved. All she writes about is Minor's Counsel. Sorry but what good would that do if you have a judge that won't listen to anybody, takes sides, doesn't want to take the time to have a full hearing, and says we'll discuss this all later? What good will it do if the judge doesn't look over evidence that the Minor's Counsel presents him with? Seriously, SHUT UP LEMKAU!

Anxiously awaiting June 8th... Hoping to God that Hosking wins by a landslide.