This Is It!!

Today is my baby shower!!!

I was told by my sister that I was not allowed to go to the house until 5 when everyone else showed up so all the decorations would be a surprise for me. Soooooo here I sit trying to pass the time until then. My poor puppy is bored out of his mind. We're watching Michael Jackson's This Is It for now. I have a couple corn dogs cooking in the oven. It was the only thing that sounded KINDA good lol. That and a nectarine, which I already ate. I just know the food tonight will be so awesome so all of what I have just sounds "okay" ha ha.

I still have to shower and all that. Not sure how I'll do my hair because I'm not sure when the rain is supposed to hit. We'll see.

OMG now Michael is singing I'll Be There... here come the tears. Seriously this song is just the prettiest song ever. Never hurts knowing I have someone in my life that'll be there for me as well :) I think I'm gonna rewind and re-watch it :)

No idea what movie I'll play next. But probably something Pharaoh gets into. He loves all movies with dogs it seems. Right now he's a lazy blob on the couch ha ha. Although when the corn dogs are done I'm sure he'll perk up hoping to get some!

Anyway. I should probably head outta here. Hoping to make the next 4 1/2 hours pass more quickly! We'll see how it works!
Katie

*Update*

It's been forever since I've updated, and I keep getting reminded of that ;) Sooooo I figured I'd post something really quick this morning.

I'm still alive. Doing okay... overall. I still have my days, but it's not like it used to be when Will and I first broke up. Sometimes in break ups I wind up missing other exes too, not just the most recent ex, and I've had a little bit of that going on too. People I hadn't thought about for years are suddenly on my mind and I'm wondering what they're up to these days. Of course I'd never get back together when any of them. But I do still think about them.

My biggest problem lately has been money. But then again who's biggest issue in life ISN'T money? I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to remember to keep breathing and pressing on.

I am 8 months pregnant today. Won't do anything big or fun to celebrate, but I'm getting closer. The closer I get the more scared I get about things. But I know I'll be a good mom and everything will be okay. There's just so much stuff I'm in for and I know I can't expect it all. It's going to be a lot of learning on my part and teaching on the parts of my mom and aunts.

I still haven't talked to Will about the baby's name and that's been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. We need to have that talk. But, then again, it's not my fault that he never wants to meet up and talk. Maybe now that he's on his good days it'll be different. But the past few weeks were his bad days, and I don't know that I've ever seen him that bad. It's upsetting but frustrating at the same time. It's like for God's sake just go get on something so you'll be happy!!! But... there's no way I can name him William 4th, which I had promised to him. I really really hope he understands where I am coming from with this. But I never know what to expect with him because he's always been so unpredictable. But like I said, he's coming out of his bad days finally so now would be the best time to bring it up because at least now I have the chance of getting a decent reaction out of him. Otherwise I'd just text him about it lol.

Everything is basically the same old same old. I am going to the doctor's every 2 weeks now instead of every 4. I am having issues with being able to get comfortable, and my back is literally always hurting me. I try not to be a complainer though. Yesterday I couldn't really breathe very well but so far so good for today. My whole back hurts today, but I think it's cause I slept on it wrong. I woke up not because I was done sleeping, but rather because I was starving. So I'm going to get off here and eat some cereal and get a shower and everything.

I really don't know what else to write about. So that is my update for now :) I'll try and post more frequently, though me being me, I can't really promise anything. So I'll just stick to promising to try!!!

Nobody Knows It But Me

I was gonna come on here and write about how I've been feeling lately. But then I was driving in my car the other day and this song came on... a song I know very well but hadn't thought about in a long time (I haven't heard it in ages). Since it basically says exactly how I feel, I'll let the song do the talking.



Here are the lyrics in case you'd like to be able to follow along... I put the text in bold that really seems to fit my mood lately.



Nobody Knows It But Me

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
but these four walls close in more every day
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real, even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and
I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

(hmm...no one knows)

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
Just like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say
Just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and
I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

(nobody)

Nights are lonely, the days are so sad
(No one knows)
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
(Nobody knows)
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me

Wow!!

So it's officially less than 3 months until my due date... it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. My boy doesn't have a crib or toys. He doesn't have much that is "his". But I know the baby shower might change that. I really, really hope so anyway!

My sister got on ebay last night and made 2 bids and won them both! So she spent $15 plus shipping, and now the baby has over 50 new clothing items. That will be more than enough to get us through the first 3 months or so. I'm getting really excited but at the same time I'm still terribly nervous too. I don't know what the hell I'm doing... or what to expect... I don't want to do anything wrong... but I will learn I am sure.

My puppy boy turned 2. In just a few weeks we will be celebrating his adoption birthday :)

I am still actively looking for a new job and turning in applications all the time. I have discovered that even if I can only find a minimum wage job, if it is full time, I can pay rent and all my bills. So I'm at a point now where I will literally take ANYTHING. I need to apply at Wal Mart... that would benefit me because I'd get all my bills paid and then get a discount on my groceries and stuff I buy in the store. But there's a place I applied at called Easter Seals and I REALLY want to get in there. But they told me not to call about the job when I turned in my application. Hopefully, I will hear something SOON. I think I can work out daycare and all that if I have to, cause there's assistance programs, and my family will take care of him too. So I do think I can handle this. I just want to make sure my hours are EARLY so I still feel like I have all day and night with my son. Like 6-2 or 7-3 M-F would be cool :) But we'll see.

I go to the doctor's office tomorrow to check for gestational diabetes. Will said he'd let me know today whether or not he can come. They do that test on everyone now, they're not doing it because they think I might have it or anything. Just have to fast and then drink some yucky stuff (I've been told it tastes like VERY sweet pop) and that should be that. Don't think it'll take long but I never know.

Anyway, it's Sunday, so I work at the church nursery today. Need to leave in about a half an hour so I'm gonna sign off of here and get my hair done. Later!

New Favorite Quote

It depicts almost exactly how I feel to a T.

"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you. Kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it... Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

-Faye, "That Thing You Do"

Pharaoh Ramesses

So my 50 pound, 2 year old puppy still believes he is a lap dog. And I am totally okay with that. There's no explaining the love I have for this guy. And I'll let him be my lapdog forever... he has this awesome power of relaxing me and making me feel all better when I'm down. He makes me laugh and perks me up and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Just so everyone knows, he was NOT crushing the baby in this picture. He really isn't that MONSTROUSLY BIG either. It's just that Mom took the pic sitting in the couch cushion next to me, and with her being so close to me it made him appear lots bigger than he is. And like I said, I knew he wasn't hurting anything. Just so you know.

Anyway, my puppy love is almost 2 years old. I can't believe I've had him for 2 years now! I feel so guilty sometimes because I've made bad decisions that have affected him. But he takes it all in stride, just like his mama. It was never my intent to live without him for 6 months when I was dating Jessie. It was never my intent to live without him for 3 months thus far while I'm dating Will. He had initially welcomed Pharaoh with open arms, and then all at once decided he didn't like having him there so I could stay but he could not. This was after I had TOLD Will, I gave him up for one loser already, I'm not doing that again. And here I sit, in that same boat, doing it to him again. It breaks my heart. But the one thing that keeps me okay, is knowing he doesn't hold it against me. He still loves me and always will. He is happy at Mom and Dad's house. He will be just as happy back at my apartment when I get him back and it's just the two of us.

I miss him terribly today. I can't wait for Mom to get off work so I can go over and see him again. He was all about the cuddles last night once he got super sleepy. And I didn't fight it for sure! I love that there's at least ONE man in my life that I can count on for cuddles, and that's him <3. And yeah, I do see Pharaoh as a man... he's more of a man than any of the guys I've ever dated in the past. He has no problem telling it like it is. I know when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's hurt, and when he's pissed. There's no games, no beating around the bush, he lets me know. Guys in the past, not even close.

Anyway, I just felt like bragging about my awesome puppy a bit today. I have more work and most likely another long day ahead of me. I'm already tired just thinking about it. But I will take a breather and relax with him when I'm at Mom's. That will be nice for sure! But for now I'm just thinking about him, missing him, and wanting his cuddles so incredibly bad that I can't even concentrate on the task at hand. So I WILL be getting those later.

Later all.

Ryder

Ryder Andrew Lane Crismore... it means "Manly Knight From the Lane"... a bit odd maybe, but I love it (when finding name meanings you don't have to put them in exact order, rather you put them in order so they make sense. Ryder means knight, Andrew means manly, and Lane is from the lane). Crismore, if I remember correctly, means "Builder for Christ"... so it's like saying he's a manly knight that works for Christ :) He just happens to be from the lane!

I am so absolutely in love with him and cannot wait until he's here. I know everything will be so worth it in the end when I am holding him in my arms. All the problems I have now, all the pain and hurt that is being inflicted on me... he will make it all okay. No, it's not his "job" to do that, as Dr. Phil would be worried about. But I know when I look down and see my son, I won't regret anything. He will make everything wonderful, and the world be wonderful with him in it.

It dawned on me the other day, that it was June 8th and I had 4 months until my due date. That doesn't seem like very long at all. I am anxious to reach my milestone next week of 24 weeks. That is the age of viability and as long as Ryder is born after that, he has a chance. I don't want him making his grand entrance into this world until October when it's time. But if he had to come early, I wouldn't have to worry about him not making it, and that is such a relief to me.

I love my baby boy. Every kick. Every flutter of movement. Ever jab he takes at my bladder that makes me laugh even though it's really not funny...

I am glad I got to "see" him at the ultrasound. I'm glad to know this little guy is healthy, though I don't think I'll be convinced until I hear it from my doctor himself. The ultrasound tech was a bit flaky if you ask me, and I didn't like the way she did things. But I know they can get in trouble for saying too much and they really aren't supposed to say anything... so I get why she was so quiet and focused on everything. But, I was glad she went back and kept checking for the gender cause she knew I wanted to know. This guy was not being super cooperative but he did let us know eventually that's he's a he!

Today's been incredibly rough on me but I don't feel like getting into that a whole lot really. Oddly enough, the one time people expect me to talk and tell all, I don't really feel like talking. I don't wanna talk about it, and I don't plan on doing anything I don't wanna do. I just wanna deal with things and move on from there. Things will work out, they will be okay, they always are. Talking just isn't something I'm interested in right now.

I think I'm off to bed now. I feel like I could sleep for a whole week I'm so exhausted. So it's time for me to go get started on that :)

Have a good one everyone, later.
Katie

PS, in the California judicial election this past Tuesday, JAMES HOSKING WON. Best news EVER. Bye bye Lemkau!!! Hopefully nobody ever has to see or hear from you ever again.